Love Needs Both Sides

Has someone ever wanted to give you something but you felt awkward receiving it? Are you a giver—with your time, your money, your hospitality, your love? Does it make you feel good to give? To bless another? To meet a need? To help someone grow?

One thing I know well is giving. My name means “to give” for crying out loud. There was a point in my life when I was convicted that I was so good at giving, but what I needed was to learn how to receive. You see, love needs both sides. For me it was easy to give, but a challenge to receive.

This giving and receiving directly affected my relationship with God. This is why I’m sharing it with you today. With hopes that others might examine themselves as well and see where they stand. Perhaps it will embellish someone’s relationship with a loved one—or even with God.

I have always liked to take care of/care for others. It’s always been my nature. I cook the dinners, I plan the parties, I send the cards, I reach out when I know someone needs it, I love giving gifts, I clean the house, I do the laundry, I listen, I like to bless others. Don’t get me wrong. None of those actions are wrong. But the looming question in my life as I started to dig deeper and sit with God was: Who was giving to me? How was I being filled? How was I being blessed? Who wanted to help me? Was I willing to let others help me? Did I trust others?

I’ve learned along the way (fortunately) that oftentimes we become a version of what we really want/need/have needed along the way. Many times we become what has been modeled for us in the home or even through our friends. This is how we are formed. I came up against the big question: How are you at receiving, Charity?

This was broad. And represented many levels in life. Could I receive an extravagant gift when I knew I couldn’t afford to give one back? Could I receive a compliment? Could I receive constructive criticism from someone who cared about my growth? Did I think I deserved love? Did I know how to receive it? How could God give if I didn’t fully receive what He wanted to give? Was the way I received from God just lip-service or was I really deeply receiving what He had to give?

This was a huge wake up call. It didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen over time. And it took practice. I had to reflect on my self-esteem. I had to reflect on ways I had neglected myself and put others before me. I had to claim that I have needs as well and they are important, valued, and valid. I had to learn how to be vulnerable (sometimes scary, but SO worth it in the long run for life in general). God showed me that part of giving and never receiving was an act of control. It was a defense. I really needed to release a truth that so many believe—that receiving is selfish and that giving is the more virtuous of the two. Believe me it was challenging in the depths of me. It was what I knew. It was how I lived. Thankfully God put an end to it and taught me a new way.

She was positioned towards the east—looking towards the light. And towards the water—the Pacific Ocean. Standing on the edge of a pool of water placed in the center of the inner peristyle, she was the only one in the group with hand stretched, reaching. Her left bronzed hand open. Waiting. She was focused, knowing. She wasn’t looking at the others. She was looking straight ahead. Patient and confident. She knew what she was waiting for. She knew it was coming. She was ready to receive. She was beautiful. She immediately caught my eye from across the room.

One day I was on a retreat away from the office with some co-workers at the Getty Villa in Pacific Palisades, California. As we walked into the inner peristyle, the fountains and the female statue figures caught my attention so I sat on an open bench right behind her for a few hours with my journal as we were given some reflection time away from the rest of the group. I sat for awhile. I thought for awhile. I wrote for awhile. I got up and circled around the pool a few times just to take her in from all vantage points. And yes, she was most definitely receiving. God was speaking. And I was listening.

The ink started to flow on the pages of my journal. I am not my own entity. I am not alone. I can’t be fully alive if I am not vulnerable. I won’t be courageous unless I let go of control. I won’t grow unless I let others in. I must position myself close to the water looking to the light—with my hand open. How can you really, I mean really, actually experience, and take in what God has for you, if you can’t deeply and openly receive it? Relationships are not one-sided. Both sides are meant to give and receive if they are to flourish. I had to figure out why it was hard for me to receive. We all have our reasons and we will all find out as we search and examine ourselves, but I learned so much in that process.

If a plant can’t receive water how will it grow? If a newborn can’t receive its mother’s milk how will it receive nourishment? If a pre-teen isn’t able to receive love how will he/she know love and want to give love? If a woman doesn’t believe she’s worth it or thinks she needs to do something to deserve love how will she be able to receive the gift of free love that God so lavishly gives? If a man doesn’t believe he deserves love how will he find the courage to pursue a wife? Once he does, how will they fully be able to receive the great gifts that their love has to offer if they are unable to receive what God has for them? Very simply, if we aren’t taught to receive in healthy ways to meet our needs, how will we receive from God? How will we believe that we’re worth it? How will we prioritize our needs over the needs of others? How will we care for ourselves as well as others? What if He gives us something different than what we asked for? There are so many questions in this area—and it all comes down to—are you willing and ready to receive what He has to give? If not, why? You will learn great things about yourself if you take time to go through this process. It will equip you for all current and future relationships as well.

When I learned to take a receiving stance in my life, my growth took off exponentially. Intimacy and trust grew. On all levels. So today, I ask you to examine your life to see where you stand, to see what you’ve been taught, to reflect on how you’ve been formed, and to see how you can learn to receive all that God has for you—with an open hand, focused, confident, believing, looking towards the light and the water that will fill you.

We must learn to receive in order to give from the healthiest wellspring of our being. I urge you with all confidence to go there.

Reflection:

In the deepest part of you, are you a giver or a receiver?

What has your family of origin taught you about giving and receiving?

Take some time to honestly assess if you have a healthy receiving stance with God? If so, name some examples. If you feel that you have some work to do in this area, what are some examples of what holds you back or blocks you from fully opening your hands to Him?

Define what vulnerability looks like/means to you. Do you see it as a positive or a negative?

Have you ever given to someone and been hurt? Write about that.

Have you ever received from someone and been hurt? Write about that.

Take a few moments to make notes of what some of your deepest needs are in life. Do you believe that God can truly fulfill those needs? Are you letting Him? Do you ask Him to? Or do you look other places/people/things for fulfillment?

Assess your self-esteem. This is a big one. How do you view yourself? What do you believe you are worth? Do you deserve love? All that God has to offer you? You have to believe that you do in order to receive it.

Journeying Together,
C