My Intentions
From April 2020
After six weeks of sheltering in place with my beloved husband, the days started flowing into each other. We are in a unique time in our relationship as we are almost entering our third year of marriage. I was getting up to brew my morning coffee (my quiet space to get started), then he’d ask for pancakes, eggs, and bacon…and the occasional green kale shake that our Ninja blender helps me whip out. Lunch would come. We’d both get our Peloton bike workouts in…sometimes I wouldn’t because there were too many things happening…in my mind…not in my day. Because for crying out loud I am stuck in my house. And haven’t been able to go to Target since early March!
We are both introverts so we are handling this all probably a lot better than some…we are embracing the gift of time. There was one day—I can’t remember which day it was that I felt a bit overwhelmed by this all. I deal with some anxiety (as many of us do whether we know it or not/whether we admit it or not). My counselor is my friend and therapy with her has helped ground me out tremendously. I also see a chiropractor. Working out helps too. Life has just changed a lot. And a lot of new happened all at once. My insides needed time for me to catch up to what was happening on the daily.
I’ve learned that I am a contemplative. Maybe you are, too. I like to think things through. I am not witty on the spot. I don’t like to talk immediately in disagreements…I need time for things to sink…and to think…and to figure out where my heart stands. I’m not an on the spot person. I like to let thoughts marinate. I like to pray. I like to listen. I like to make a plan (sometimes this is good sometimes this is not). But, if I’m honest I’m not always the best in the now. My husband sometimes likes to call it procrastination, but I like to think of it as experiencing the movement of the present. Listening. Moving with the rhythm. Letting the Spirit speak. Maybe changing the written plan. Hearing from my heart. Having an honest talk with myself about what is really going on.
Anyhow–when I get in my head (not always bad)–I sometimes get frozen. I can’t move forward. If you experience this as well you know what I mean. If not, you can learn from my personal experience. Being stuck is not fun. Especially if you are a doer. I like to make lists and cross things off. SO—maybe God is ok with me not doing that today. Maybe He needs me to be in the moment today…to sit with Him…to play…not to vacuum, make the grocery list, do the laundry and plan out the next year of life. Maybe He wants me to be stuck–with Him…until I grasp what He’s teaching me. He’s taking the high achiever in me and gently showing me that He is in charge. He wants me to gaze at Him instead of getting ‘er done today. We in the Midwest are real good at getting ‘er done and taking credit and saying look what what I did. When it should actually be look what God did through me.
The other day I had a revelation in the middle of trying to build my own business website, making banana chocolate chip pancakes, scrubbing the bathroom floor and searching the worldwide web for any kind of antibacterial wipes we can get our hands on as we are nearing the end of our supply. God said, “STOP! I have given you today. Today is a gift. From me to you. Today you need to stay home. I know that means different things for each person. But, at least you have a home to stay home in. Some of the people I’ve worked with in the past year are homeless – where do they stay home?” So I listened more.
I don’t think we recognize time as much as we should. We are too busy. Seriously. We are busy bees. What stops us in our tracks? What demands our attention in the moment? This virus time has been so good for me. It really has stopped me in my tracks and brought me back to a quieter internal place that I hunger for…I think we all yearn for it. It’s rest. It’s time to breathe. The lists can be put down for another day. We can enjoy a bottle of wine. We can get creative with at home date nights. We can try new recipes. We can watch a series on Netflix. Parents can learn what it is to be with their children and teach them. We can be challenged to see what it looks like to be others oriented…to unite…to work together as a team. Our town is not good at that at all. It infuriates me…but that’s for another time.
Now you have a bit of an idea how my brain rambles on and on. God has put an abrupt stop to the world. We’re at home now. Now what do we do? He’s turned my attention to Him. I still map out a plan for the day. I still cook and clean. But I’ve once again started to examine my heart as the new day begins. I pray for my husband. We pray for the world. We lay in bed and watch the sun rise and listen to the birds who are happy that Spring has finally arrived in Rockford, Illinois! I ask God what He wants from me in this day…what does He want me to be about? How will I grow today? How will I navigate the unknown coming my way? How will I connect with loved ones? What does my spiritual growth look like today? How will I know Him deeper? How will I know Him if I don’t know myself?
I call what I’m going to be about today my intentions. I ask God for them as He knows right where I’m at. I write them in the margin of my planner. Today they were: Believe, Confidence, Called, Create and Hope. He’s teaching me to cultivate my heart in the moment. Awareness helps grow all relationships. If we don’t know where we are–how do we know where we’re going? We get stuck just like I was telling you. Being quiet and listening and seeking direction isn’t stuck. It will move you in ways you might not know until you give it a try.